


You, You, You

by Zordosia (orphan_account)



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: F/M, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Unreliable Narrator, this is not a shipping fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-12
Updated: 2017-06-12
Packaged: 2018-11-13 07:29:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11179956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Zordosia
Summary: Maria had cancelled at the last minute and the surprise meant he had not prepared for his loneliness to come rolling back, full force. He needed to be with people, now, but couldn’t think of any other person who deserved his company. So Alex sat in his swelteringly hot bedroom with the two piles of letters on either side of him and read.





	You, You, You

Eliza had a collection of the letters he had written her from when he had been stationed overseas, the true romantic that he was. One night that summer Alex opened the box in her dresser drawer and put the letters on the bed next to the ones he had written John, from when John had shipped out ahead of him and before he had met Eliza. Then, because Alex had been scared in so many ways, the dates of the two letters became perilously close. Maria had cancelled at the last minute and the surprise meant he had not prepared for his loneliness to come rolling back, full force. He needed to be with people, now, but couldn’t think of any other person who deserved his company. So Alex sat in his swelteringly hot bedroom with the two piles of letters on either side of him and read.

As he read, Alex remembered telling John that dating him was like dating himself. John had laughed and agreed, but looking back now Alex recognized that he had been very incorrect. The fact that John would agree to such an unflattering comparison should have given it away. They were both exceptionally honest, true, but the walls they did throw up were positioned differently- John’s to keep out those who were getting to close for comfort, Alex’s as riot shields to push through whoever stood in his way. They both loved the fight, yes, but Alex fought with the end in his sights whereas John could never get the blood from his eyes. But what ultimately distinguished them the most was their guiding stars. John had been been driven to be better, Alex was driven to do better.

Which was why John was dead and Alex now had a mistress who was essentially himself.

When he had told John about Eliza, John’s quiet resignation had been more frightening than any anger. But when he was back in the States, and Eliza was holding his hand, all that fear couldn’t keep the secret for very long. When it came out, he couldn’t stop talking.

“…and I just wrote him, and not- not quite the way I wrote you, not so much, I didn’t-”

“You didn’t cheat on me.”

“No, no, I swear Eliza-”

“But you cheated on him. With me.”

He had tried so hard to build himself beautifully in his letters and now he watched it tumble down. “Yes.” She was silent for a moment, and he tried to give her that for as long as he could. Then, “Eliza, I love you so much-”

“I’m not going to break up with you, Alex. I just need space, okay? I just need to figure out how to process this.”

Space was the worst. He had no walls with her, with space she would see him for the reverse-pointillism he was, messy and ugly. But he could not say no to her.

Serendipitously, it all worked out, and a few weeks later she was comforting him. But he couldn’t talk much during that time, or do much of anything. Alex put John’s letters to the side and picked up Eliza’s.

Maria often texted him frequently and at length, coy and anxious and horny and lonesome in the span of one day, and always evident. As he read his letters to Eliza Alex remembered the hangover-like embarrassment he felt after sending each one and realized now that it was completely justified, since the insecurity and want was just as loud and evident on paper as it was on his phone.

He hadn’t been entirely comfortable with his sexuality when he enlisted, and so it took him a while to realize he loved John. But he had recognized that he loved Eliza the second he laid eyes on her, and that had been what inspired him to write. He wondered if Maria loved him. He wondered if he had really loved Eliza back then.

He couldn’t doubt his love for Eliza now, he was as sure that he loved her as he was sure that he did not love Maria. He was as sure that he did not love Maria as he was unsure as to why he was still sleeping with her. He was as unsure as to why he was still sleeping with her as he was unsure as to why she had ever slept with him. He knew that she lied and compromised herself to get what she wanted, same as he did. But he also knew that that one week where she had only sent monosyllabic texts had been more grating than her hours of paragraphs. And he also knew that whenever he screamed at her for what she was doing to him, she would get desperate in a way that money couldn’t explain.

He found her on Facebook and she would post pictures of low end designer purchases and get into arguments with high school friends in the comments of links to newspaper articles. She would also post pictures of her daughter with a snapchat filter applied and a heart-emoji filled caption underneath. She posted a picture of Susan as a baby once, and she had looked just like Angelica’s new baby. Alex stopped going on her social media after that.

She had made fun of the fights he got into on twitter once. He had gone silent and she had apologized despite the fact everyone teased him about that. Maybe she knew about the fear he felt each time he lost control, or maybe she was just afraid of him.

Despite his research, he didn’t know much about her. She would ask him how his day was and he would bitch about work some and then they would fuck and that would be that. She was stuck in his mind and his life and he didn’t know how old her daughter was.

The nights she was with him he would look at her and them from every angle like this. The nights she wasn’t with him he would include Eliza. After he put the last letter back in the box and closed the drawer, he texted Eliza and asked her what she had thought of his letters.

It was late and he hoped she wasn’t still up, but his phone buzzed a couple minutes later. “I loved them,” she wrote. “They were so honest. So if you’re asking if you should write me some more, the answer is yes.”

“Tomorrow,” he replied. “But thanks. I wasn’t sure.”

Three gray dots appeared at the bottom of the screen. Before she could send, he texted her, “I love you.”

She stopped typing and a moment later she sent him “I love you too. I miss you. Can I call you right now?”

“Can I call tomorrow morning? I’m wiped. Just couldn’t sleep. And I was thinking about you.”

“Of course. Good night sweetie.”

He put his phone down next to him without responding and lay down on top of the sheets, still in his work clothes. In the end, he supposed it wasn’t that much of a mystery why he came back to her. John had been a flattering mirror, Eliza told him flattering tales of who he could be. He couldn’t be honest about himself without destroying a part of them. Maria absorbed the blow of who he was and reflected him perfectly.

As he lay there, fixating on every angle of his life, Alex could have wondered what Maria saw in him, but he did not.

**Author's Note:**

> This came from the idea that both Alex and Maria had bpd, and how that would have shaped their relationship. I wanted to write it so that Maria wasn't a flawless victim (the only kind that merits sympathy, ofc) and Alex wasn't a flat villain (the only kind that can be abusive, ofc)- while also making clear how I saw their relationship. But I also know that's a hard balance to find and that I could have very easily made missteps, so if you want to talk about something here you can do so in the comments or on my tumblr, tacticalgrandma (anon is off but I won't publish your ask if you don't want me to).
> 
> Inspired in part by @runawayforthesummer's mean, mean fic (http://runawayforthesummer.tumblr.com/post/149861106005/45-modern-alexeliza) and also her consistent salt about how people don't recognize that Alex cheated on John.
> 
> Thanks for reading, and any kudos or comments would be much appreciated!


End file.
